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Relationships are Like an Expedition

Writer's picture: Jess Cleeves, MAT LCSWJess Cleeves, MAT LCSW

Updated: Oct 29, 2024

*This blog is a part of the Relationship Analogies series. Like all of my writing, it is generated without the influence of AI.



“Of the gladdest moments in human life, methinks

is the departure upon a distant journey to unknown lands.”


"We have an unknown distance yet to run, an unknown river to explore.

What falls there are, we know not; what rocks beset the channel, we know not;

what walls ride over the river, we know not..."


The Map is Not the Territory


Since we were tykes, we've been told stories about what relationships are, how they are supposed to look, how they are supposed to work, and how they are supposed to feel.


These relationship maps have been drawn for us. Our maps have been drawn by our families of origin, communities, and Disney...


What's worse, "map" is a generous description of what we've been offered. The maps we're handed are roughly sketched on cocktail napkins and tucked into our brains.


When we meet our person, our person affirms that they, too, have a map. We hold our crumpled napkin maps up side-by-side, squint through our oxytocin-soaked vision, and happily confirm that the maps are aligned - enough - and we head out.


But the maps we're offered were drawn by people who aren't us and by cultural views that shape us but do not exactly align with who and how we wish to be.

Every single partnership is an expedition. An adventure unique in the universe.


Purpose Matters


This entire metaphor depends on one essential clarification. Our adventure will only be successful if we first determine the purpose of our expedition.


Clarifying why we're headed out TOGETHER as early as possible will help us design an expedition we can both stick with. It will also give us something to navigate by when we inevitably get on each other's nerves. Our person does not need to be our Polaris, but our purpose does.


Preparing for the Unknown


Being a member of an expedition is different than going for a hike by yourself close to town. It's not a collection of individuals doing individual things in parallel. It is a team whose very survival depends on all team members' powerful focus, sensitive attunement, quick wit, and creative flexibility.


Risk and reward are defined differently when we're all we've got, and no help is coming.


Because our party is all we've got, we'll need some agreements about how we'll make shared decisions and how we'll treat each other. Consider the following prioritization:

1. Individual Safety

2. Group Safety

3. Group Fun

4. Individual Fun


And a more detailed explanation of each:


  1. Individual Safety:

My partner cannot know my internal state (although they can observe and weigh in on how they experience my well-being).


It's my job to acknowledge when I'm getting a blister and advocate to bandage my foot before the blister grows, demands significant care, and jeopardizes our party's ability to make miles. It's my job to metaphorically and actually hydrate, monitor my salt and calorie intake, and self-regulate.


*Note - safety is very different from vulnerability. This being my first rodeo (because every relationship is unique), I may FEEL unsafe, at some level, for 100% of the expedition. It's up to me to advocate for group decisions that are in the best interest of our shared progress, which is a very different idea than our shared comfort. If I'm interested in comfort for comfort's sake, I should find myself a couch somewhere and nestle in.


  1. Group Safety

As members of an expedition, we must care for each other. We increase our interpersonal stress if we don't care for each other. And nobody needs that. The adventure is stressful enough.


We support increased group safety by ensuring our interactions constantly signal, explicitly communicate, and unquestioningly confirm that we're on the same team.


When we disagree (about what route to take, when/what to eat, or any other major decision that impacts us both), we must work on the dynamic between us rather than expecting our fellow traveler to change in some fundamental way. If my partner is more conservative than me regarding how far we hope to get in a day, we may cover less distance than I think we can. And we're still going to places I could never have gone alone.


  1. Group Fun

Being on the same team is easier when we enjoy being around our teammate. Beyond affirming to our partner that we're easy to collaborate with and willing to cooperate for group safety management, we're wise to support our partner to be in good spirits by helping them to feel good. Of course, no one has time for sentimental performances. I'm talking real-deal feel good: by frequently acknowledging what we admire and appreciate about our partner, by sharing what we feel lucky to share, we limit our partner's stress hormones and increase their sense of well-being, as well as their ability to make sound decisions. Making sure we're having fun together is one of the best ways to keep ourselves protected from the myriad risks, both inside our relationship and out, that may threaten us as we explore.


  1. Individual Fun

In our individualistic culture, it's tough to stomach the fact that individual fun is the least important. Endeavoring to explore, however, requires us to be in right relationship with reality.


Look around. Individually, we're already winning. We're roving parts of the metaphorical planet that we never would have been able to reach on our own. That's fun! It is likely worth the individual sacrifice I may need to make when I think, for example, it's safe to keep skinny-dipping as my partner is nervously noticing the storm clouds building. I'm wise to leave the lake when my partner points towards the building clouds.


After all, I have a lot more fun individually when we're both feeling safe and having fun together.


You do Y'all


Every partnership is a brand-new experience. How you define your purpose? Up to you! What you decide to carry or leave behind? Up to you! How many other folks you choose to shepherd under your shared leadership? Totally your call!


With great agency comes great responsibility. If dynamics are emerging in your party that aren't working for you, that's excellent news; you've got something you can address to improve your situation.


As co-expeditioners, you both get to - and must - shape your own adventure.

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